Only 30 days. 30 days until my world is completely altered, 30 days until the house is one person fuller, 30 days until love forever has a new meaning. Brielle's due date is now exactly 30 days away. I'm so exited to finally meet my precious little girl, I know things in my life and Spencer's will never be the same. I know it's going to be really hard and scary, but I also know it's going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know we're going to make a lot more mistakes as brand new parents, it's pretty terrifying, but I also trust with all my heart that God has a plan for us. I trust completely that he has plans to give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
When I first found out I was pregnant in June 2012, I thought that my life was over. I didn't see any plans filled with "hope" and a "future". The only thing I saw for me was a life of shame and regret. I didn't love my baby. There was no instant connection, I saw her as the one to blame for changing my life in such a "horrible" way. I knew that I'd keep her and carry her because even then I couldn't justify killing a baby, but I didn't want her or care about what happened to her. I didn't care if I ever had an impact in her life. I could only see was what was right in front of me. I saw my boyfriend who I was so scared of losing. I saw my mom with a broken, disappointed heart. I saw my dad and brother so sad and I knew all three of them were so ashamed of me. Then after awhile of thinking and forcing myself to use the word "baby" over and over, I realized it no longer had anything to do with me. This was about Brielle. It wasn't about how bad I felt for hurting so many people. It wasn't about everything I'd have to give up. It was about doing what was best for the little person trying to grow inside me. I was the one who had screwed up, it wasn't my baby. It wouldn't be fair that just because she was unwanted she'd miss out on having a life full of love, laughter and big dreams.
I decided I'd do my best to be the mom she needed, at first I thought about adoption, but then I thought the best thing I could do for my baby was to give her the best chance of knowing her savior and Father in heaven. I couldn't risk not knowing that she was given the chance to learn about Him and feel the love and joy He brings. It took me awhile to really truly care for her. It was when I first saw her tiny little shape at an 8 week ultrasound that I understood how special she is. That was then. It seems like forever ago but at the same time I can feel the pain like it just happened. The hardest part for me wasn't knowing I'd have to give up my life of freedom. The hardest part was hurting the people I love. I understood I'd messed up so I was fine to deal with the things I'd have to go through. But it wasn't fair to anyone else. Especially my family. They'd done nothing wrong but they still had to be hurt because of me. That is the one thing I will always regret. I did all this to myself but they hadn't.
I had to go through a lot because of my sin, and every single day I feel the consequences of my mistakes. But it's not about that. It's not about my guilt or how anyone treats Spencer and I. It's about God's never ending love. In His love He choose to give me a baby, I still can't tell you why, I may never be able to but I believe He has my best interest in mind. He still accepts me as his daughter and I know that He will never leave me even when everyone else has. It's hard to believe sometimes but I know it's true. You don't have to be perfect to receive His love. He gives it to you freely no matter where you've come from. If anyone says different or believes you can't be in his love and light just the way you are today, not tomorrow, not in a year but right now today; I can tell you they're dead wrong. Jesus ate with and loved the tax collectors and prostitutes, He didn't make them change and live a perfect life full of rules, He welcomed them and just loved them. That's how I know I'll be okay. When I think I can't take anything else I remember the person He is and the love He has. Once you accept Him and love Him back, you'll want to be changed. You'll want to live a new way, His way.
When I look back to June, that month I thought the world truly was ending. I can smile. I've come so far. I've learned so much. In 30 days I finally meet my little miracle. My little game changer. I'm going to be the best I can be for her. It's really hard to have given up a lot of the things I have but I'm so glad I did. I want to be the best mom I can be, even if that means giving up things. I don't want her to miss out on one thing because I'm young. I want her to have just as full and happy of a life as anyone else. I'm really scared but at the same time I'm so ready. I'm going to be there for her forever and I will never give up and abandon her no matter what happens. That's something I learned from my own mom. Love is the best thing you can do for your children. Love them, hug them, tell them they're special and important and most importantly tell them about the One who will never make a mistake, the One who won't ever let them down.
I've changed so much in these past 8 months. I finally understand grace. It's almost impossible to comprehend and fully accept until you've been broken to pieces and He's put you back together again. People like to say you are "sweetly" broken. I can tell you this right now, there's no sweet feeling about it. It hurts and destroys. There's no way to explain what it really feels like to be broken. To be crushed and turned to nothing; until it's happened to you. But it's taught me so much and now I see the sweet. God's grace is truly the most incredible, perfect thing. In 30 days I'll see His grace complete.
