Tea Time

     Today is a day I've been desperately needing. I woke up at 9:30am did my bible study, had some oatmeal with brown sugar, woke up Spencer, listened to a sermon online with my family and then spent the rest of the day relaxing. Ahhh. ♥ Later this evening my hubby and I headed to the library. We spent our time picking out books and just browsing. Afterward we headed to Olive Garden. There was a bit of a wait but we didn't mind because it meant STARBUCKS!!! I had a decaf vanilla spice latte which was the perfect taste for this kind of day. We had a really good time talking and spending time with one another. We finally ended the day with delicious peach glazed chicken, parmesan pasta, laughs and happiness

     

     I think that with everything going on; all the anxiety and excitement while waiting for Brielle to make her grand entrance, we're needing time to relax and empty our minds more than ever. Spencer and I are enjoying are last days to just be the two of us. We are so anxious to meet our baby girl, at the same time we're trying to soak up all the time we can have together before things get hectic. We're spending many stolen moments remembering the good times, and talking about what our future little family is going to be like.

     The waiting game has begun and I already feel like it's been going on far too long. This week I started to drink raspberry leaf tea which is highly suggested for pregnancy. It really has nothing to do with "raspberries" it's a certain little herb that is packed with benefits. Why am I drinking it now you may ask? Well there's lots of great benefits -

• Reducing pain in labor
• Helping with post birth pains and recovery
• Toning uterus ( that's what's reducing the pain and helping make recovery faster)
• Helps make contractions more productive
• Helps with delivery of the placenta 

     Yeah, great stuff right? It's also great to help with fertility in both men and women, it also can prevent miscarriage. I've heard lots of great stories of it helping lots of pregnant women I've found  tons online and I have some friends who started drinking it at the end of pregnancy and swear by it. I figure I might as well try it out, why not see if it works for me. If anything mentally it helps me feel like I'm doing something to prepare for labor. Spencer and I have been going weekly to childbirth classes and practiced a little today, but of course I'm still going crazy about the whole thing. I trust that Spencer's going to help me through it one hundred ten percent. I believe completely that he'll be a great support person for me. The most comforting thought to me is knowing each day and each pain brings me that much closer to meeting my new baby.  Well that's about it. XOXOXO

30 days...

     Only 30 days. 30 days until my world is completely altered, 30 days until the house is one person fuller, 30 days until love forever has a new meaning. Brielle's due date is now exactly 30 days away. I'm so exited to finally meet my precious little girl, I know things in my life and Spencer's will never be the same. I know it's going to be really hard and scary, but I also know it's going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know we're going to make a lot more mistakes as brand new parents, it's pretty terrifying, but I also trust with all my heart that God has a plan for us. I trust completely that he has plans to give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

     When I first found out I was pregnant in June 2012, I thought that my life was over. I didn't see any plans filled with "hope" and a "future". The only thing I saw for me was a life of shame and regret. I didn't love my baby. There was no instant connection, I saw her as the one to blame for changing my life in such a "horrible" way. I knew that I'd keep her and carry her because even then I couldn't justify killing a baby, but I didn't want her or care about what happened to her. I didn't care if I ever had an impact in her life. I could only see was what was right in front of me. I saw my boyfriend who I was so scared of losing. I saw my mom with a broken, disappointed heart. I saw my dad and brother so sad and I knew all three of them were so ashamed of me. Then after awhile of thinking and forcing myself to use the word "baby" over and over, I realized it no longer had anything to do with me. This was about Brielle. It wasn't about how bad I felt for hurting so many people. It wasn't about everything I'd have to give up. It was about doing what was best for the little person trying to grow inside me. I was the one who had screwed up, it wasn't my baby. It wouldn't be fair that just because she was unwanted she'd miss out on having a life full of love, laughter and big dreams.

    I decided I'd do my best to be the mom she needed, at first I thought about adoption, but then I thought the best thing I could do for my baby was to give her the best chance of knowing her savior and Father in heaven. I couldn't risk not knowing that she was given the chance to learn about Him and feel the love and joy He brings. It took me awhile to really truly care for her. It was when I first saw her tiny little shape at an 8 week ultrasound that I understood how special she is. That was then. It seems like forever ago but at the same time I can feel the pain like it just happened. The hardest part for me wasn't knowing I'd have to give up my life of freedom. The hardest part was hurting the people I love. I understood I'd messed up so I was fine to deal with the things I'd have to go through. But it wasn't fair to anyone else. Especially my family. They'd done nothing wrong but they still had to be hurt because of me. That is the one thing I will always regret. I did all this to myself but they hadn't.

     I had to go through a lot because of my sin, and every single day I feel the consequences of my mistakes. But it's not about that. It's not about my guilt or how anyone treats Spencer and I. It's about God's never ending love. In His love He choose to give me a baby, I still can't tell you why, I may never be able to but I believe He has my best interest in mind. He still accepts me as his daughter and I know that He will never leave me even when everyone else has. It's hard to believe sometimes but I know it's true. You don't have to be perfect to receive His love. He gives it to you freely no matter where you've come from. If anyone says different or believes you can't be in his love and light just the way you are today, not tomorrow, not in a year but right now today; I can tell you they're dead wrong. Jesus ate with and loved the tax collectors and prostitutes, He didn't make them change and live a perfect life full of rules, He welcomed them and just loved them. That's how I know I'll be okay. When I think I can't take anything else I remember the person He is and the love He has. Once you accept Him and love Him back, you'll want to be changed. You'll want to live a new way, His way.

     When I look back to June, that month I thought the world truly was ending. I can smile. I've come so far. I've learned so much. In 30 days I finally meet my little miracle. My little game changer. I'm going to be the best I can be for her. It's really hard to have given up a lot of the things I have but I'm so glad I did. I want to be the best mom I can be, even if that means giving up things. I don't want her to miss out on one thing because I'm young. I want her to have just as full and happy of a life as anyone else. I'm really scared but at the same time I'm so ready. I'm going to be there for her forever and I will never give up and abandon her no matter what happens. That's something I learned from my own mom. Love is the best thing you can do for your children. Love them, hug them, tell them they're special and important and most importantly tell them about the One who will never make a mistake, the One who won't ever let them down. 

    

     I've changed so much in these past 8 months. I finally understand grace. It's almost impossible to comprehend and fully accept until you've been broken to pieces and He's put you back together again. People like to say you are "sweetly" broken. I can tell you this right now, there's no sweet feeling about it. It hurts and destroys. There's no way to explain what it really feels like to be broken. To be crushed and turned to nothing; until it's happened to you. But it's taught me so much and now I see the sweet. God's grace is truly the most incredible, perfect thing. In 30 days I'll see His grace complete.

30 weeks ♥

                                                           30 weeks pregnant! ♥
How Far Along: 30 weeks

Size of Baby: Weighs as much as a head of cabbage, she's around 3lbs now.

Total Weight Gain: 24lbs still, haven't gained since last week.

Gender: GIRL!

Movement: She's crazy! She moves all the time and just kicks, somersaults and anything else she can do in there. She's extremely active at night when I'm just relaxing and still. I'm assuming it's because when I'm still she has more room to move. I can't wait to see her punch and kick her little arms and legs!

Sleep: It was bad in the beginning of the week but now I've been sleeping pretty soundly again. I haven't been waking up more than once which is really nice.

Maternity Clothes: This week I wore a couple of my pre-pregnancy jeans again just because I don't have many maternity pairs. They definitely aren't as comfortable!

Symptoms: My hips have been killing me. They hurt so bad this last Saturday I literally had to lay in bed all day icing them and stretching. It hasn't been that bad since then but for a couple hours each day I've been pretty uncomfortable but I'm still able to move around and walk unlike Saturday.

Cravings: Any cold ice-y things!! Slurpees, slushies, milkshakes and smoothies. Pina Colodas are top of the list right now. ♥

What I Miss: Not being so uncomfortable, I miss not being so clumsy and slow.

Best Moment from the Past Week: Brielle's crazy acrobats!

What I Am Looking Forward To: Just everything! Everyday I'm so happy because I know it's one day closer to meeting my sweet daughter.

I'm making sure to make time to pray for all of the families involved with the mall shooting and school shooting this week. I pray that they are comforted and are able to come to the feet of Jesus and receive his help and loving arms.   

Fall favorites!

     My fall favorites right now:
 
-----> "Cider Lane" bath and body works candle, this candle smells so good. It's a seasonal candle so I don't know how long it'll be in stores, but it smells exactly like this season! It has spice, sweet and just makes you think of leaves falling. Another amazing candle I'm absolutely IN LOVE with is "Pumpkin Caramel Latte". It's also by bath and body works. So yummy!!!! It smells like a freshly made latte and makes any room instantly smell cozy and welcoming. (Unfortunately I don't have a pic of this candle because I've had it for awhile so it's burned out already.)
----->Mini pumpkins! So adorable, I have a couple in my room because they don't take up much room and they are just so, so, so cute and a perfect decoration for fall. I LOVE THEM.
----->Pumpkin Spice Lattes. The best drink you will ever have. Just promise you'll try it for me. They are my favorite coffee drink ever. They only come for a couple months which is a bummer but when they are here I am the happiest person. This season I'm not able to drink them because I've cut out caffeine completely, but next year I'll drink as many as I want.
      So lets get serious. I've been thinking a lot lately about something a woman said to me a week or two ago. She's been in my shoes before and knows exactly how it feels to be a teen mom, her situation was a lot worse then mine because her church actually turned her out and wouldn't accept her. I am so blessed to still be welcomed. Of course things will always feel different to me but I will continually try to be a involved and not give up.
     She was letting me talk about how it feels to be in this position. It was really nice to be able to talk to somebody and just honestly say how I feel because I really don't talk about it. When I do I can't say exactly how I feel because I don't want anybody to feel sorry. But this woman and I aren't close so I knew she didn't need me to censor my feelings.

     I talked about the shame I feel even just walking out the door. The she told me about how God promised us justification ( a reason, fact, circumstance, or explanation that justifies or defends. Also called justification by faith . Theology . the act of God whereby humankind is made or accounted just, or free from guilt or penalty of sin. <definitions via dictionary.com>) She said how through Jesus all of our sins are forgiven. Yes, I've heard this before but this time it was different because she said to me, when I choose to walk around feeling ashamed and letting myself be depressed I'm saying "No, Jesus I don't believe your promise of justification, no, I won't live like a new, forgiven, child of God".

     I realized that choosing to live in shame means that I'm refusing to trust God and what he says I am and who I really am. So everyday whenever I feel insecure I remember God's promise to me and no matter what ANYBODY ever says about me I know what GOD says about me. 

     After we talked I looked up a verse that says very clearly the truth. "Let it be known to you therefore, brothers, that through this man (Christ) forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you, and by him everyone who believes is freed from everything from which you could not be freed by the law of Moses." Acts 13:38-39 
     I believe anyone, no matter where they've been, should be loved and shown the grace God has shown us. ♥
     Another thing I've thought a lot about is a verse (Romans 5:8) that says, "while we were still sinners" Jesus died to save us. It never says, "after we did this, this and this" no, it says WHILE we were sinners. I think it's really important to love people even in the midst of their sins and not force a million rules down their throat. Of course we need to pray for them to repent and try to help them as much as we can to resist sin, but we need to accept them even if they never do. That's what I think genuine grace is. 
     I think we as Christians need to focus less on rules and more on loving the way Jesus did. He never told a tax collector or prostitute go do this, and you REAALLLYYY gotta fix this, etc. before he went to meals with them. He went and spent time with them no matter what they were doing. Now, he does say "go and sin no more" to us. This is what we should try to do, there are very clear right and wrongs. 
    I guess what I'm trying to say is we need to love and accept people regardless of how they may act. (Obviously with boundaries so we don't fall into the same lifestyle choices, "We are to be in the world but not of the world") I may be wrong in my thinking about grace so please correct if I am, but as far as my knowledge goes that's what I believe. 
     Anyways have an amazing lovely week and enjoy your fall fashion, weather, scents and hot drinks! Sorry this post was super long, I promise I won't be offended if you don't read the whole thing. P.s. If you have a blog please message me on FB or comment your blog link so I can follow and look at yours!!!!

Who doesn't love shopping for baby girls?

      I have recently discovered that everywhere I go I can't resist buying a new "something" for Brielle. I've begun to question, is this a disease? How long will this last? There's something you have to know about me, I'm great with my money, I save and RARELY spend more than I intended. Until now. Something happens to me when I'm holding fuzzy pink baby pajamas or a tiny little sock. I need it. There's no other option then to wink at Spencer and add it to the cart. I constantly say, "Wow for that price, I'd be losing not to buy another!". So I've decided that when I go out from now on, I can buy one baby item under ten dollars and that is it. Oh dear. HELP!

     Something I've discovered as of late, is that I can't work out the same as before! Wednesday afternoon I did my new 2nd trimester pregnancy DVD and I'm dying!!! Since I've been pregnant I've only done yoga, stretching etc. and this workout is cardio and toning and my thighs are still killing me! What's happened to me? I lower my sore self into a seat like I'm a 90 year old woman. (no offense intended to the elderly, I dearly love them. ♥) What makes matters worse is Spencer is EXTREMELY fit and works out 5 days a week for an hour doing things ten times harder than my pregger videos. He puts me to shame. So after I can work my legs again I am committed to teaching this DVD a good lesson. What? I don't think a video is really a "beatable" thing but I guess this will be my new game...